November 22, 2009

Miscellaneous thoughts

My time in Philly thus far has been at least tenuous and at best exhilarating.

I'm learning mass amounts of information that I realistically cannot fully comprehend and have yet to integrate it into any concise framework. I feel repeatedly that the school I'm supplementing with vast amounts of government funds and future IOUs is not what it promised to be!

I am exhausted ALL the time!
Even though after almost 4 months I am sort of sleeping again.
My appetite is touch and go, but when it is on...well, it is ON!

I fully discovered and explored a few new things about myself and had fun doing it. ;)

I witness on a daily basis how irrational, chaotic, neurotic, and trite humans can be.
I also witness and am frequently reminded of how amazing and necessary human contact and conversation is, and how much that feeling of being heard can make one feel so...loved.

I am reminded that time is of the essence.
And that I need to be PRESENT. If only I had the time!

I've learned that I love sweet potato fries, Firefly sweet tea vodka & lemonade, and D&W Black Forest turkey. Yum!

Cactus is my favorite Manayunk bar!

CFreaky just visited me....and managed to see maybe a dozen more parts of Philly in 3 days than I have seen in 6 months.

I realized that I can probably do this, but I will be unhappy for large portions of it.
That I will not do this again.

That home is where Jamey is, and where my family is, and there are times when that is all I can think of.

There are times I crave being on the farm with all the animals and playing the paper bag game with Kim and Kati.

The view from D14 is way better than the view from B8. But I still wish I lived somewhere else.

Many people are nice here, often the ones I don't expect to be. But the ones who make promises and act nice, often don't follow through and are hard to find when you really need them.


Poetry part deux...better works in progress

Just a smattering of a few more darker sentiments:

Poems from 10/28/09


Crush...

A crush is not what I wanted

I crush is not what I need

You pull me in, into your darkness

Then squeeze me dry until I bleed.

You push away-leaving me grasping

For a connection that’s sure to fade.

What’s left of me? I cannot answer.

My heart is hollowed. Broken. Decayed!

A touch from you is all I’m after.

A touch from you to give me peace.

My craving heart is bruised and battered.

But without you it is sure to cease.


Craving...

You give me less

I want more!

Lingering about

Like a wanton whore

You tempted me

Then left me be

With honey so sweet

It won’t set me free.

I shiver, I ache.

Like the addict dry

Waiting for a chance

To feel that high.

You pull me in

Then push me away

When all I ask

Is for you to stay.

My fear, my agony

You think you’re so clever

I’m learning its time

For this tie to sever.

Deny me, despise me.

I really don’t care.

(But ask yourself this…)

Who’ll be left standing

When I’m no longer there?

A little night poetry....

Ok, so being in Philly has been interesting thus far...and I have stumbled upon a few different kinds of muse. Mostly people because that's how I roll.
And because of the situation I have developed a very rich fantasy life out of the constant loneliness and intermittent despair I feel daily. So I decided to post some of the writings I have come up with since bing out here. Most are in essence love poetry or loved inspired poetry, rather.
All are works in progress. (And the rights to them are my own.)

So here goes....

No Return

The poltergeist haunts me

In my dreams she is you,

Beckoning me into the dark abyss

Destroying my only truth.

What price will I pay

For a lust so full of pride?

When in my heart I know

It’s his trust I’ve thrown aside.

Laying here before me

The temptation much too great.

Can I resist the incubus

With all that is at stake?

How long will I be lost in rapture?

Long enough to earn reproof?

If this trance lasts much longer

Will the point be moot?

Now you’re taking over me

Too late to turn back now.

Losing my grip on everything

And defiling my sacred vow.

Feeling the fire within me,

A bittersweet and lonely burn.

When the ecstasy is over

There will be nowhere left to turn.