Miscellaneous thoughts

My time in Philly thus far has been at least tenuous and at best exhilarating.

I'm learning mass amounts of information that I realistically cannot fully comprehend and have yet to integrate it into any concise framework. I feel repeatedly that the school I'm supplementing with vast amounts of government funds and future IOUs is not what it promised to be!

I am exhausted ALL the time!

Even though after almost 4 months I am sort of sleeping again.

My appetite is touch and go, but when it is on...well, it is ON!

I fully discovered and explored a few new things about myself and had fun doing it. ;)

I witness on a daily basis how irrational, chaotic, neurotic, and trite humans can be.

I also witness and am frequently reminded of how amazing and necessary human contact and conversation is, and how much that feeling of being heard can make one feel so...loved.

I am reminded that time is of the essence.

And that I need to be PRESENT. If only I had the time!

I've learned that I love sweet potato fries, Firefly sweet tea vodka & lemonade, and D&W Black Forest turkey. Yum!

Cactus is my favorite Manayunk bar!

CFreaky just visited me....and managed to see maybe a dozen more parts of Philly in 3 days than I have seen in 6 months.

I realized that I can probably do this, but I will be unhappy for large portions of it.

That I will not do this again.

That home is where Jamey is, and where my family is, and there are times when that is all I can think of.

There are times I crave being on the farm with all the animals and playing the paper bag game with Kim and Kati.

The view from D14 is way better than the view from B8. But I still wish I lived somewhere else.

Many people are nice here, often the ones I don't expect to be. But the ones who make promises and act nice, often don't follow through and are hard to find when you really need them.

Poetry part deux...better works in progress

Just a smattering of a few more darker sentiments:

Poems from 10/28/09

Crush...

A crush is not what I wanted

I crush is not what I need

You pull me in, into your darkness

Then squeeze me dry until I bleed.

You push away-leaving me grasping

For a connection that’s sure to fade.

What’s left of me? I cannot answer.

My heart is hollowed. Broken. Decayed!

A touch from you is all I’m after.

A touch from you to give me peace.

My craving heart is bruised and battered.

But without you it is sure to cease.

Craving...

You give me less

I want more!

Lingering about

Like a wanton whore

You tempted me

Then left me be

With honey so sweet

It won’t set me free.

I shiver, I ache.

Like the addict dry

Waiting for a chance

To feel that high.

You pull me in

Then push me away

When all I ask

Is for you to stay.

My fear, my agony

You think you’re so clever

I’m learning its time

For this tie to sever.

Deny me, despise me.

I really don’t care.

(But ask yourself this…)

Who’ll be left standing

When I’m no longer there?

A little night poetry....

Ok, so being in Philly has been interesting thus far...and I have stumbled upon a few different kinds of muse. Mostly people because that's how I roll.

And because of the situation I have developed a very rich fantasy life out of the constant loneliness and intermittent despair I feel daily. So I decided to post some of the writings I have come up with since bing out here. Most are in essence love poetry or loved inspired poetry, rather.

All are works in progress. (And the rights to them are my own.)

So here goes....

No Return

The poltergeist haunts me

In my dreams she is you,

Beckoning me into the dark abyss

Destroying my only truth.

What price will I pay

For a lust so full of pride?

When in my heart I know

It’s his trust I’ve thrown aside.

Laying here before me

The temptation much too great.

Can I resist the incubus

With all that is at stake?

How long will I be lost in rapture?

Long enough to earn reproof?

If this trance lasts much longer

Will the point be moot?

Now you’re taking over me

Too late to turn back now.

Losing my grip on everything

And defiling my sacred vow.

Feeling the fire within me,

A bittersweet and lonely burn.

When the ecstasy is over

There will be nowhere left to turn.

People are strange

Ok, so we’re into week 6 or 7, I think.

Recently, I have had the great privilege of hanging out with a few really, really cool people. This “hanging out” has occurred both on and off campus. And I am thrilled!

So far I have discovered 5 or so people that I absolutely adore; several more people that I am quite fond of and many others I look forward to knowing better. Even so, we’re still feeling each other out. Doing the dance!

Personalities are slowly coming into view. People are beginning to let their guard down and their idiosyncrasies are rearing their ugly heads. For example, I have been communicating loosely with this one particular person and I just can’t get a proper reading. There are moments when I feel like…

"Yay, cool. This person is SO completely awesome. I would LOVE to spend some good quality time with him/her."

But then, they do something weird or unexpected. Or perhaps, I say something and freak them out. I still haven’t figured this one out yet. And so, I am left wondering…Is it me? Is it them? What happened?

Regardless, I still want to be your friend. If something is weird, or I did or said something stupid please tell me. Communicate! I’m not judging you. And I hate thinking I’ve done something to put you off.

There’s a small group of us that are all from out of state. We’re in the same boat as far as not knowing much about Philly. Some have ventured more than others. More than I! Still, I suspect…and one or two have confirmed that it’s just LONELY!

Yes, lonely without that home support network to lean on. We’re all here as islands without those people who reared us or have watched us grow and prosper…our families, our best friends, the fun guys or girls we used to play Euchre with on Thursday nights. And all the phone calls in the world will not make up for that absence. I know. But...

If you’re lonely too, I implore you to give those of us that are here a try. It’s not a weakness to feel lonely or overwhelmed. Give someone a try. You just may find a new friend you can count on. Someone to hold or hug you when you need a kind touch. Someone to laugh with when, well, whenever!

I get this, people. I’m lonely too. There are 2 things, ok 3 things, you should know about me.

• I am super practical. Pragmatic even.
• You can say pretty much anything to me. And my response may be unexpected…in a good way, so try it.
• I only surround myself with really great people. So, if I’ve picked you…stop questioning yourself. Get to know me too. Spend time with me, please. I’m fun and can feel as equally awkward as you.

We’ll meddle our way through being homesick and lost in Philly together. I look forward to it!

PS Don’t be afraid to call me. I like voice conversations, not just texts.

On Death & Dying

So we have just finished our second set of exams for the term. We’ve spent numerous hours poking, prodding, and pontificating over various facets of our cadavers’ bodies.

We’re pretty much surrounded by death and decay most days, right?

You’d think the concept wouldn’t seem quite so foreign. In some ways, med school is a death of sorts. A death of a real social life for sure. A death of all the other career options or hobbies you might have otherwise pursued. Or wished you could, if only you had the time. And it’s a constant reminder that death is all around us.

I’ve learned at least five new ways to die since being here only a few weeks. Yet, still have not learned one skill to save anyone!

And then the announcement came…or rumor rather. It enters in and takes over the psyche!

It was reported today...

that one of the guys in the second year PA class was diagnosed with cancer. It’s true, we don’t yet know who it might be. But, there are only 7 guys in the class!

Even though I am not fully familiar with all the people in our own class quite yet, I have enough of a grasp of them and the sort of weird intimacy that comes from being in this kind of program….well, to not want something similar in our class.

It must be devastating. Like one of your own people, your own family, falling ill. Simply terrifying. To have it be in the other class seems sort of like that cousin you don’t see often getting cancer. You feel bad, sad even, but it’s a little bit removed. You’re glad it’s not you!

Now, paranoia sets in!

From other stories that have circulated already, I learned at least 3 D.O. students have been diagnosed with the big “C” in the past year. So should I be drinking the water at school? Is there something in the lab that’s more carcinogenic than reported? Where’s the MSDS’s? Are we being exposed to high level radio waves from the television stations next door? Again, I don’t know.

It seems like death or the possibility of it, becomes so much more a part of your mindset here. No worries though. I have no plans on going anywhere. It’s not my time yet.

Philly Chronicles...Part I

6/14/09
Week 1 Complete!

So med school isn’t so bad…Sure it’s already fraught with insecurity, frustration, and the constant feeling of being overwhelmed, but there is light peering out from the darkness. Ooh, and bone saws.

Yes, bone saws! They’re cool.

Does this mean Ortho is in my future, who knows? Maybe.

Everyone in my class that I’ve met thus far is pretty decent. Most are willing to lend a hand or ear so you can bounce terms, parts, or planes at them. I think we’re all muddling through as we begin to learn and memorize hundreds of foramina, vessels, muscles, bones, sinuses, etc. We’re all in the same boat, so why not be nice to each other?!

As far as Philly goes…I’m still working on that one.

It’s the only place I’ve been where the speed signs say “15” and people drive, literally, “50,” on winding, snaking roads no less! And they make up their own lanes as they go. It’s an adventure!

As for me, I haven’t ventured out into the city much yet. Somewhat due to time constraints, also due to the fact I’m alone and don’t know the area at all. I did manage to find a gas station close to the pad, and an A+, top notch grocer.

My only major downfall came this weekend when I was overcome by this strangely, uncomfortable…agitation.

It was an odd feeling for sure..Mildly likely being frisky, but not quite. I began tearing up without even realizing why…then it hit me. I was lonely, starving for affection. In short, I NEEDED a HUG! Sounds simple enough, right?! Wrong.

I’m currently living alone. Despite being in a building supposedly populated, I’ve only just met one neighbor. He’s a bit intimidating.

And those at school…well, we’re still doing the little dance.

No one knows each other quite well enough yet to have built up the kind of intimacy where hugs are part of the protocol. We’re still in the phase when you bump into someone you’re almost overly apologetic. I do suspect this will change, especially since at some point we’ll be doing breast exams and femoral pulses on each other. So I've heard. But, that’s Fall term.

I’m hopeful though, at least. I mean if someone can get through trying to feel me up, I do hope they can hug me afterward!? Otherwise, it’s going to be a long 14 months!

Good time, great friend!

Went to see the Pretenders tonight. Whoop whoop!
It wasn't all the original line up, but Chrissie Hynde is amazing!
She managed to find herself a set set of very young, very capable or rather...gifted...guitar players.

The show was held at the awe inspiring Michigan Theatre in Ann Arbor.
The MT is bar none, one of the most ideal places for a more intimate entertainment experience. To top it off...
I had 5th row tickets!
I could see actual detail on Chrissie's vest and tie, and even discern her more subtle facial expressions. Rarely does this occur, because even when I'm sort of close...well, I'm very short. So heads usually block my view.
The show was fabulous!

But, the best part of the night was hanging out with my good friend John!

A good man, that John.

Time spent with him is always a pleasant experience.
He's a good reminder that it is possible to have friends who make you smile all the time you are with them. We can pick up right where we left off even if months or a year has passed us by. The conversation comes easy.
There's never any political or personal bulls**t building walls between us.

We appreciate our time together.
It's refreshing!
He is by far one of my most favorite people.

Bonaventure...Oh the Adventure!

I was invited to watch my nephew's last day of roller skating class.
Yes, yes...roller skating class.

And it was a flashback from the past for sure.

The class was held at Bonaventure skating rink. A place that I visited occasionally from the 5th through 12th grade.
I was not by any account an avid skater. I could hold my own for the most part.
But, I never won "Shoot the Duck," nor did I go just for fun.
My visits to Bonaventure always entailed a purpose. Such as the 5th grade skating parties, or watching my friend DJ, in high school, of course.
Still, it was a blast from the past!

It has been nearly 20 years since I last stepped foot in those doors.
To my amazement, nothing has changed!
Except, perhaps, the snack counter table tops.
The rink, the cheesy color scheme, the snack counter, even the unnecessarily short bathroom stall doors...all exactly the same.

It was kind of fun and a bit disturbing! In an area where everything seems to change every other year or so...it was a bit odd to think this archaic version of entertainment...still existed in much the same form as it had when I was a wee one.

There was something a bit sad and sentimental about it all.

Then, there's my nephew. My gorgeous blue-eyed prince of a nephew.
Still slightly unsteady on his skates, he's pretty good for only 5 classes.
Trying to get me to stop videotaping, he would duck below the rail as he passed by. (Hey, I had to catch that moment for sure, even if only for prom date revenge later on. haha!)

He and his friend spent more time trying to wrestle than skate.
And then there was the ever popular "fake out" fall.
The boys seemed intrigued by faking their own falls.
Constantly! Over the course of the hour, one would rise up and pretend to knock the other down. Or they would feign dramatic wipe outs.

The funniest part came from my nephew's own observation that a certain young girl in his opinion needed to get off the floor because she wasn't good enough to keep up with everyone else. Ouch, bested and called out by a 7 year old.

There's finesse and forethought in all these actions.
And it makes me realize....my nephew is soooooo much a boy.
And he's growing up!

Heat!

I was going through my old email address today...cleaning out "junk."
Only to discover a collection of 40+ emails exchanged between me and my first, very enthusiastic love.
I read maybe 5 or 6 just to remember. And they are STILL fabulous!
I love the that even in getting older certain memories, certain people can have such a visceral effect upon me. As I began reading there it was, just like I was 17 again!

Mmmmm...HEAT!

Every time I saw that boy I would heat up and sometimes simultaneously shiver with excitement, hormones, lust. It was exhilarating having so much all encompassing feeling for someone, such a new and volatile feeling at that time. Good times, very good times.


My lovely "infinity" you know who you are...Miss you, Love you, Always.

besos y embrassos
-Lola