October 2010...the month of Infamy

So, it's been a long while. For that I apologize.

Things, life, school, etc got the best of my attention for the last several months.

Then boom...October.

Up 'til now I had always liked October as a month, I mean Halloween candy, pretty Fall colors, a chill in the air, hay rides...It was all good. But that changed this year.

I was working at my rotation when an off handed remark to my preceptor prompted her to send me all the way home to "make babies" with my partner. So to home I went. We had a blast for the first 48 hours or so. Went to the park where we got engaged, bought ice cream, hung out with my parents. Then that dreaded phone call came.

My partner's baby brother was MURDERED! Yes, murdered.

I still can't f*&king believe it. People like me see some weird shit once in awhile but family members don't get murdered. It's too Twilight Zone.

Suffice it to say, life has not been the same since.

I cannot put into words the type of pain this is for me. It is so unjust, confounding, and truly unwarranted! LK, my baby bro-in-law was one of the most genuinely caring, pleasant, open-minded, all-loving, talented, unique individuals I ever had the pleasure to know. He was a great person all around.

And yet I find myself feeling guilty. I wasn't one of the siblings who grew up with him, although I did know him for the better part of a decade. I sort of feel like I don't have a right to be so strongly affected by this tragedy. My partner grieves much more silently than I, and that makes me wonder too if I am somehow overstepping my bounds.

Alas, I do feel pain. And as with any loss...people come out of the woodwork who knew him. And you hear things, learn more, and still he is remembered by so many as such a great, young person. It truly is a tragedy.

Love you Leo, you will be missed! xoxo

On Sex & Politics

It's been an interesting few weeks. I need to vent about a million things, but for now at least I'll pick one major theme....sex!

Sex, right, who doesn't like it?! Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.

And sometimes, hopefully, frequently, it can be mind blowing!

Topics of conversation this week have included:

-Don't Ask, Don't Tell

-What is Real Sex?

-Trannies

So...here goes!

That grand old military issue is up again, of course.

The Obama agenda might actually follow through with the banning of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." And now there's the backlash and uproar again!

Can we say broken record!?

I get it, it's awkward for some people, men especially, to be around other men that could possibly find them attractive. Get over it!

Some women respond the same way. WTF?

Here we have people who voluntarily are willing to risk their own lives to protect us and spread the virus of liberty. Yet we deny them the right to do so, because they like anal?! Really!

News flash: Just because you find out someone is gay, doesn't mean they will automatically hit on you!!! Although, strangely this seems to be the predominant opinion of straight people, even some of the very well-educated ones.

My friend recently learned that another person we know is a lesbian. The first words out of her mouth, "She's not gonna hit on me?" Hmmm...let me think! Ok...

Honey, you've known this person for years and not once has she hit on you. It won't happen now. Because...

a) If she was interested, she would have let you know by now.

b) Your response to finding out makes her think that you are a close-minded biggot.

c) She knows it's a lost cause because you are not of the girl on girl persuasion.

d) All of the above.

Same holds for gay men. I get the fear, I do.

Some minds think...People get lonely when they are out in the middle of nowhere.

Adrenaline makes people frisky.

But, I mean REALLY people...gay men are not out in the world hitting on and trying to screw people who are not interested in them. They are just like everyone else, trying to find someone who loves them. They don't waste time going after all the straight people.

Does your logic really make sense? Aah, NO!

Sure, once in a rare while, they might inquire or show interest.

We all do that with people we're interested in, gay or straight, just to see.

As my partner says, "It never hurts to ask."

All YOU need to do is say not interested.

No harm, no foul! Alas, I digress...

Gays in the military perform just as well as the next person. It's not like they are afflicted from having free will and common sense. Or self control!

I say if Adam & Steve are willing, ready, and able to fight for us, let them!

If they're in the field getting bombed, I'm pretty sure they'll fight back just as hard as the next solider. They won't be dropping trough trying to get some while insurgent missiles are flying at their heads.

Ever hear of self-preservation?

Next, topic...what defines sex!

Apparently, some people think sex is only real if it involves penis-vagina contact. What are we from Ohio? (hahaha, only kidding! CFreaky that one is for you!)

News flash #2, if you're trading various body fluids in a mutually consenting, pleasurable way with someone or many someones, regardless of the orifices involved, it's sex baby!

Sure you cannot perpetuate the species when fellating or splunking but you are nonetheless intimately involved significantly with another. Enjoy it!

**Side note: Use protection! I don't care what you do or with whom, if they are legally consenting, but protect yourself. HIV is on the rise. The clap still exists and Syph is making an angry comeback.***

As for trannies...they get a bad rap! Trannies are people too. I find it hard enough to be myself in the world without the...burden...they have. I mean these people often don't feel that who they look like matches who the feel like at the most profound level of their being.

Seriously deep s*&^!

Could you handle something so disorientating as that?

So for them to work and make strides toward joining mismatched sides of themselves and finding a sort of middle ground to be happy and feel whole with...well, that's a miracle. Imagine the lessons on life and self-acceptance we could learn from our transgendered friends. My guess, it would be astounding!

So that's the rant for tonight.

My message to you: Spread love not fear!

The fun part of living in the current times is that definitions and labels are losing some of their trite and outdated meanings. Maybe someday we can learn to love who we are, love those around us, and appreciate them and ourselves for being.

Miscellaneous thoughts

My time in Philly thus far has been at least tenuous and at best exhilarating.

I'm learning mass amounts of information that I realistically cannot fully comprehend and have yet to integrate it into any concise framework. I feel repeatedly that the school I'm supplementing with vast amounts of government funds and future IOUs is not what it promised to be!

I am exhausted ALL the time!

Even though after almost 4 months I am sort of sleeping again.

My appetite is touch and go, but when it is on...well, it is ON!

I fully discovered and explored a few new things about myself and had fun doing it. ;)

I witness on a daily basis how irrational, chaotic, neurotic, and trite humans can be.

I also witness and am frequently reminded of how amazing and necessary human contact and conversation is, and how much that feeling of being heard can make one feel so...loved.

I am reminded that time is of the essence.

And that I need to be PRESENT. If only I had the time!

I've learned that I love sweet potato fries, Firefly sweet tea vodka & lemonade, and D&W Black Forest turkey. Yum!

Cactus is my favorite Manayunk bar!

CFreaky just visited me....and managed to see maybe a dozen more parts of Philly in 3 days than I have seen in 6 months.

I realized that I can probably do this, but I will be unhappy for large portions of it.

That I will not do this again.

That home is where Jamey is, and where my family is, and there are times when that is all I can think of.

There are times I crave being on the farm with all the animals and playing the paper bag game with Kim and Kati.

The view from D14 is way better than the view from B8. But I still wish I lived somewhere else.

Many people are nice here, often the ones I don't expect to be. But the ones who make promises and act nice, often don't follow through and are hard to find when you really need them.

Poetry part deux...better works in progress

Just a smattering of a few more darker sentiments:

Poems from 10/28/09

Crush...

A crush is not what I wanted

I crush is not what I need

You pull me in, into your darkness

Then squeeze me dry until I bleed.

You push away-leaving me grasping

For a connection that’s sure to fade.

What’s left of me? I cannot answer.

My heart is hollowed. Broken. Decayed!

A touch from you is all I’m after.

A touch from you to give me peace.

My craving heart is bruised and battered.

But without you it is sure to cease.

Craving...

You give me less

I want more!

Lingering about

Like a wanton whore

You tempted me

Then left me be

With honey so sweet

It won’t set me free.

I shiver, I ache.

Like the addict dry

Waiting for a chance

To feel that high.

You pull me in

Then push me away

When all I ask

Is for you to stay.

My fear, my agony

You think you’re so clever

I’m learning its time

For this tie to sever.

Deny me, despise me.

I really don’t care.

(But ask yourself this…)

Who’ll be left standing

When I’m no longer there?

A little night poetry....

Ok, so being in Philly has been interesting thus far...and I have stumbled upon a few different kinds of muse. Mostly people because that's how I roll.

And because of the situation I have developed a very rich fantasy life out of the constant loneliness and intermittent despair I feel daily. So I decided to post some of the writings I have come up with since bing out here. Most are in essence love poetry or loved inspired poetry, rather.

All are works in progress. (And the rights to them are my own.)

So here goes....

No Return

The poltergeist haunts me

In my dreams she is you,

Beckoning me into the dark abyss

Destroying my only truth.

What price will I pay

For a lust so full of pride?

When in my heart I know

It’s his trust I’ve thrown aside.

Laying here before me

The temptation much too great.

Can I resist the incubus

With all that is at stake?

How long will I be lost in rapture?

Long enough to earn reproof?

If this trance lasts much longer

Will the point be moot?

Now you’re taking over me

Too late to turn back now.

Losing my grip on everything

And defiling my sacred vow.

Feeling the fire within me,

A bittersweet and lonely burn.

When the ecstasy is over

There will be nowhere left to turn.

People are strange

Ok, so we’re into week 6 or 7, I think.

Recently, I have had the great privilege of hanging out with a few really, really cool people. This “hanging out” has occurred both on and off campus. And I am thrilled!

So far I have discovered 5 or so people that I absolutely adore; several more people that I am quite fond of and many others I look forward to knowing better. Even so, we’re still feeling each other out. Doing the dance!

Personalities are slowly coming into view. People are beginning to let their guard down and their idiosyncrasies are rearing their ugly heads. For example, I have been communicating loosely with this one particular person and I just can’t get a proper reading. There are moments when I feel like…

"Yay, cool. This person is SO completely awesome. I would LOVE to spend some good quality time with him/her."

But then, they do something weird or unexpected. Or perhaps, I say something and freak them out. I still haven’t figured this one out yet. And so, I am left wondering…Is it me? Is it them? What happened?

Regardless, I still want to be your friend. If something is weird, or I did or said something stupid please tell me. Communicate! I’m not judging you. And I hate thinking I’ve done something to put you off.

There’s a small group of us that are all from out of state. We’re in the same boat as far as not knowing much about Philly. Some have ventured more than others. More than I! Still, I suspect…and one or two have confirmed that it’s just LONELY!

Yes, lonely without that home support network to lean on. We’re all here as islands without those people who reared us or have watched us grow and prosper…our families, our best friends, the fun guys or girls we used to play Euchre with on Thursday nights. And all the phone calls in the world will not make up for that absence. I know. But...

If you’re lonely too, I implore you to give those of us that are here a try. It’s not a weakness to feel lonely or overwhelmed. Give someone a try. You just may find a new friend you can count on. Someone to hold or hug you when you need a kind touch. Someone to laugh with when, well, whenever!

I get this, people. I’m lonely too. There are 2 things, ok 3 things, you should know about me.

• I am super practical. Pragmatic even.
• You can say pretty much anything to me. And my response may be unexpected…in a good way, so try it.
• I only surround myself with really great people. So, if I’ve picked you…stop questioning yourself. Get to know me too. Spend time with me, please. I’m fun and can feel as equally awkward as you.

We’ll meddle our way through being homesick and lost in Philly together. I look forward to it!

PS Don’t be afraid to call me. I like voice conversations, not just texts.

On Death & Dying

So we have just finished our second set of exams for the term. We’ve spent numerous hours poking, prodding, and pontificating over various facets of our cadavers’ bodies.

We’re pretty much surrounded by death and decay most days, right?

You’d think the concept wouldn’t seem quite so foreign. In some ways, med school is a death of sorts. A death of a real social life for sure. A death of all the other career options or hobbies you might have otherwise pursued. Or wished you could, if only you had the time. And it’s a constant reminder that death is all around us.

I’ve learned at least five new ways to die since being here only a few weeks. Yet, still have not learned one skill to save anyone!

And then the announcement came…or rumor rather. It enters in and takes over the psyche!

It was reported today...

that one of the guys in the second year PA class was diagnosed with cancer. It’s true, we don’t yet know who it might be. But, there are only 7 guys in the class!

Even though I am not fully familiar with all the people in our own class quite yet, I have enough of a grasp of them and the sort of weird intimacy that comes from being in this kind of program….well, to not want something similar in our class.

It must be devastating. Like one of your own people, your own family, falling ill. Simply terrifying. To have it be in the other class seems sort of like that cousin you don’t see often getting cancer. You feel bad, sad even, but it’s a little bit removed. You’re glad it’s not you!

Now, paranoia sets in!

From other stories that have circulated already, I learned at least 3 D.O. students have been diagnosed with the big “C” in the past year. So should I be drinking the water at school? Is there something in the lab that’s more carcinogenic than reported? Where’s the MSDS’s? Are we being exposed to high level radio waves from the television stations next door? Again, I don’t know.

It seems like death or the possibility of it, becomes so much more a part of your mindset here. No worries though. I have no plans on going anywhere. It’s not my time yet.

Philly Chronicles...Part I

6/14/09
Week 1 Complete!

So med school isn’t so bad…Sure it’s already fraught with insecurity, frustration, and the constant feeling of being overwhelmed, but there is light peering out from the darkness. Ooh, and bone saws.

Yes, bone saws! They’re cool.

Does this mean Ortho is in my future, who knows? Maybe.

Everyone in my class that I’ve met thus far is pretty decent. Most are willing to lend a hand or ear so you can bounce terms, parts, or planes at them. I think we’re all muddling through as we begin to learn and memorize hundreds of foramina, vessels, muscles, bones, sinuses, etc. We’re all in the same boat, so why not be nice to each other?!

As far as Philly goes…I’m still working on that one.

It’s the only place I’ve been where the speed signs say “15” and people drive, literally, “50,” on winding, snaking roads no less! And they make up their own lanes as they go. It’s an adventure!

As for me, I haven’t ventured out into the city much yet. Somewhat due to time constraints, also due to the fact I’m alone and don’t know the area at all. I did manage to find a gas station close to the pad, and an A+, top notch grocer.

My only major downfall came this weekend when I was overcome by this strangely, uncomfortable…agitation.

It was an odd feeling for sure..Mildly likely being frisky, but not quite. I began tearing up without even realizing why…then it hit me. I was lonely, starving for affection. In short, I NEEDED a HUG! Sounds simple enough, right?! Wrong.

I’m currently living alone. Despite being in a building supposedly populated, I’ve only just met one neighbor. He’s a bit intimidating.

And those at school…well, we’re still doing the little dance.

No one knows each other quite well enough yet to have built up the kind of intimacy where hugs are part of the protocol. We’re still in the phase when you bump into someone you’re almost overly apologetic. I do suspect this will change, especially since at some point we’ll be doing breast exams and femoral pulses on each other. So I've heard. But, that’s Fall term.

I’m hopeful though, at least. I mean if someone can get through trying to feel me up, I do hope they can hug me afterward!? Otherwise, it’s going to be a long 14 months!

Good time, great friend!

Went to see the Pretenders tonight. Whoop whoop!
It wasn't all the original line up, but Chrissie Hynde is amazing!
She managed to find herself a set set of very young, very capable or rather...gifted...guitar players.

The show was held at the awe inspiring Michigan Theatre in Ann Arbor.
The MT is bar none, one of the most ideal places for a more intimate entertainment experience. To top it off...
I had 5th row tickets!
I could see actual detail on Chrissie's vest and tie, and even discern her more subtle facial expressions. Rarely does this occur, because even when I'm sort of close...well, I'm very short. So heads usually block my view.
The show was fabulous!

But, the best part of the night was hanging out with my good friend John!

A good man, that John.

Time spent with him is always a pleasant experience.
He's a good reminder that it is possible to have friends who make you smile all the time you are with them. We can pick up right where we left off even if months or a year has passed us by. The conversation comes easy.
There's never any political or personal bulls**t building walls between us.

We appreciate our time together.
It's refreshing!
He is by far one of my most favorite people.

Bonaventure...Oh the Adventure!

I was invited to watch my nephew's last day of roller skating class.
Yes, yes...roller skating class.

And it was a flashback from the past for sure.

The class was held at Bonaventure skating rink. A place that I visited occasionally from the 5th through 12th grade.
I was not by any account an avid skater. I could hold my own for the most part.
But, I never won "Shoot the Duck," nor did I go just for fun.
My visits to Bonaventure always entailed a purpose. Such as the 5th grade skating parties, or watching my friend DJ, in high school, of course.
Still, it was a blast from the past!

It has been nearly 20 years since I last stepped foot in those doors.
To my amazement, nothing has changed!
Except, perhaps, the snack counter table tops.
The rink, the cheesy color scheme, the snack counter, even the unnecessarily short bathroom stall doors...all exactly the same.

It was kind of fun and a bit disturbing! In an area where everything seems to change every other year or so...it was a bit odd to think this archaic version of entertainment...still existed in much the same form as it had when I was a wee one.

There was something a bit sad and sentimental about it all.

Then, there's my nephew. My gorgeous blue-eyed prince of a nephew.
Still slightly unsteady on his skates, he's pretty good for only 5 classes.
Trying to get me to stop videotaping, he would duck below the rail as he passed by. (Hey, I had to catch that moment for sure, even if only for prom date revenge later on. haha!)

He and his friend spent more time trying to wrestle than skate.
And then there was the ever popular "fake out" fall.
The boys seemed intrigued by faking their own falls.
Constantly! Over the course of the hour, one would rise up and pretend to knock the other down. Or they would feign dramatic wipe outs.

The funniest part came from my nephew's own observation that a certain young girl in his opinion needed to get off the floor because she wasn't good enough to keep up with everyone else. Ouch, bested and called out by a 7 year old.

There's finesse and forethought in all these actions.
And it makes me realize....my nephew is soooooo much a boy.
And he's growing up!

Heat!

I was going through my old email address today...cleaning out "junk."
Only to discover a collection of 40+ emails exchanged between me and my first, very enthusiastic love.
I read maybe 5 or 6 just to remember. And they are STILL fabulous!
I love the that even in getting older certain memories, certain people can have such a visceral effect upon me. As I began reading there it was, just like I was 17 again!

Mmmmm...HEAT!

Every time I saw that boy I would heat up and sometimes simultaneously shiver with excitement, hormones, lust. It was exhilarating having so much all encompassing feeling for someone, such a new and volatile feeling at that time. Good times, very good times.


My lovely "infinity" you know who you are...Miss you, Love you, Always.

besos y embrassos
-Lola

Fear and truth, part I

I've been dealing with a fairly immense personal realization lately. And the nature of this realization makes it difficult to both express in words and speech. It is by its nature in the context of current social mores a that "that shall not be named" sort of epiphany. There exists a strong, nearly undeniable urge of my own to go running through the streets exclaiming this newly discovered part of myself. Yet, I am prevented from doing so by the lack of understanding of others and the fear and fallout that could follow.

It is not without hesitation that I have been for some time sort of playing into this information, this new identity. You could say I've been experimenting in certain circles with it. Not being open, but being rather loose. I choose those moments and said circles carefully however. It is no good to play with fire if you know you'll be burned. I am not a masochist.

Other realms are a different story. There are people close to me that I cannot imagine their responses to be positive. They wouldn't comprehend it. Or they would be too quick to see anything but the potential disadvantages. And be overcome with fear and confusion themselves.

So the question remains, "What do I do?"

I feel this nagging to "come clean" in a matter of speaking. To release my truth.
I feel incomplete and extraordinarily dishonest because of it. Still I am full of apprehension and paranoia that once unleashed I will be alone. A disappointment. An outcast.

My secret identity puts me into a group that is often overlooked, ignored, or just plain denied by many others, even those who too are often marginalized. And while they make progress, I have no one to identify with. No one to speak to about what is in my head and what I feel.

I have the unfortunate experience of not knowing anyone like myself; or at least the naivete of not being aware of anyone else like myself. I know they are out there...but where and how do I find them?

Even writing this now, I am overwhelmed with trepidation. And I know full well I haven't expressed my secret. I think, "but we have come so far. But not nearly far enough." "And what if they think me selfish?" Is it selfish to want to be who you really are? Perhaps!

All the arguments play out in my head.

Planes, trains, and...buses

Finally back from my recent travels...

I spent a s#^%load of time meandering about the Philly and Portland (Oregon) areas in various versions of tin/fiberglass cans on wheels. With or without wings, I might add.

Travel is by all accounts something I want to do. But I'm always thinking more about things like a month in Rome, a week at Sandals or the like.
This was not that sort of traveling!

This was public trans, often sardine style. In Portland, it was on icy, crazy windy mountain roads in an area not too familiar with the inclement weather of the week. As Murphy's law would have it I get to Portland in the middle of the worst week-long winter storm system they have had in half a decade.
Go me!

So for an area known for its progressive application of eco-friendly and all-are-welcome-social politics, they are severely lacking the infrastructure to handle ice and snow. Even with mountains rising above them.
Seems a bit odd, doesn't it?

Alas, I digress...

I spent the passed several days lined up with my Washingtons to join the masses on all these various forms of transportation. By all accounts, it wasn't an overly eventful experience.

Portland's transit strongly surpasses that of Philly's. Not surprising. But I must admit it was nice the get on the "Max" and not feel as though I was off to the gas chamber. Seriously! The Philly train reminded me of a run down cattle car the SS would have used to transport Jews to Auschwitz.
Only I suspect that train was cleaner.

I did survive however...despite the foul smell of retired human sweat, urine and "gawd knows what else" stench. And managed to go on my merry way, despite wanting to be immersed in bleach upon exiting.

I found the Portland people quite friendly, more so than I ever imagined possible. Philly people weren't unfriendly, mind you, just indifferent. And that's ok! At 6am in the morning I am NOT chatty Kathy either.

A problem I discovered with buses in both locations was a lack of continuity between them. Some buses arrived well equipped with audible, intelligible announcement systems. As a foreigner, I liked these buses!

In either city, the buses were not all like this. Both had buses or perhaps it was the routes, where the poor driver had to shout out the impending stop.
This is far from ideal, as you sit or stand holding your position with a hand rope or bar trying to maintain your belongings, with masses of people surrounding you all the while listening to their iPods and talking on cell phones full volume. Ugh!

I frequently asked those around me, "What did he/she say? Which stop is next?" To be shrugged at in response or just plain ignored.

I will give credit to the #66 riders on the VA hospital/OHSU campus route.
The bus had been delayed by more than 45 minutes and I was running neurotically late for my interview. The online schedule had me changing buses on campus to get to the appropriate building.

A minimum wait of at least another 20 minutes.

The #66 riders responded to my nerve racked queries and offered a quicker and I must say immensely generous escort to a short cut.
I even made the interview with 5 minutes to spare!
Oh Happy Day begins running through my head again, as it did at that moment.

Did I mention...
Six flights! In just 8 days. Not a record breaker I'm sure. But, did I mention that I DO NOT like to fly! Flying is so bizarre and unnatural to me. I am most obviously of the mindset that if god "wanted us to fly we would have wings."

For now the big travels are over...at least for a few weeks.
I am happy to be safely on the ground and in the Motor City.
Where the only tin can I'll be in soon will be my own.

Thank you St. Michael!

Palau? Seriously.

Ok, so a friend of mine who worked on the Obama campaign is apparently being appointed to work in Palau.
Where is Palau you ask?
Yeah, I had to ask to...or at least I had to look it up.

And it's seriously in the middle of nowhere. I'm pretty sure if you looked up BFE in the encyclopedia, or maybe BFP, it would show you a picture of this tiny island nation.

If you feel so inclined visit their website:
http://www.visit-palau.de/aboutpalau/index.cfm

From the pictures Palau appears to be a lovely place surrounded by lots of ocean. I'm sure the seafood is great. And the nature too. But the flight out would be way too long for my personal taste. And heaven forbid they have any natural disasters like hurricanes or typhoons out there. Everyone would drown. Including my friend.

Despite my friend sometimes being a pain in the ass I really wish him no ill will. But he's does random crap like this every so often.
Him: "Hmmmm...I could go anywhere in the world...Palau sounds nice."

I wonder if he can even get facebook or a phone there?! Perhaps...?
There are cars and they do take Visa. You know, it's everywhere you want to be.

The site says the population is about 20K. So I wonder how long it will take him to meet a woman out there. With only 20,000 people the options are limited. After all, this is a man accustomed to New York and other immensely larger dating pools than what I imagine Palau has to offer. Then again, maybe he'll meet a nice island girl and fall madly in love. Stranger things have happened. Seriously!

Palau. How many people can say they know someone who has been there, much less lived in Palau? I don't know one, but soon I will. Seriously!

Facebook...friend or foe?

I joined facebook aka the stalker network almost 1 year ago. The only reason I joined was to keep up to date with a close friend over in Iraq. He was doing his service for our country and I am grateful for that. And I care about him. So, I joined to keep in contact with him.

So many months later and...I am just like everyone else. I am addicted, and frustrated by Scramble. I trade make believe plants assuming rain forest is being saved in some magical, mystery location out in the mist somewhere. My entourage rolls 40+ deep. And I keep getting friend requests.
OMG, I'm like popular!

So what's the problem?

Lately, it seems the most random people are sending me friend requests. There are moments where it's like being in high school all over again with a new techno twist.

I'll admit it's kind of cool to see some of the people. Get an idea what they've been up to. Many were actual friends of mine at one point in time. Yet, there's a slightly different group that have been "requesting" me. You remember, those people who didn't really speak to you in high school or even acknowledge that you were human. Those people are coming out of the proverbial facebook woodwork and requesting me as a friend. It's weird.

I realize and am not proud of the fact that I added someone the other day for purely selfish, regressive reasons. She was one of those people in high school that was just sort of mystical. She was cool on her own terms and ran around or so I assumed with the best of them. She even knew who I was then, although we didn't ever hang out. But, she wasn't rude or callous either. She was cool! All around.

I accepted her as a friend. I think part of me regressed to, "Hey, I must be cool too. She wants to be my friend." Then reality set in! I don't really care that she is my "friend" on facebook. I don't care that she wasn't really my friend in high school. Honestly, I don't really care either way about her. I haven't even written to say hello to her. And yet she now gets little anecdotal updates about me. So what was the point?

A few more requests have since rolled in. These from people whom I suspect only make the request because they see my name or affiliation with the high school on someone else's page. I'm not sure what the appeal is...to have everyone you went to school with a hundred years ago be your "facebook friend."

Don't get me wrong. There are certainly people on the site that I would like to reconnect with or just see what they're up to. But, I don't go actively seeking out and inviting people to be my friend just because I knew them when....
And there's others that I could care two flies about.
So what is the draw?

I don't get it!

How did this little piece of social networking software become so important to my life? Why does it make me regress and feel 15 again?
Why do so many others on it find the need to be my friend?

My real friends know who I am. They know what I am up to. And even if a long time passes they have the balls to drop a letter, an email, or call me up to discover what I am doing with my life.

I love my friends with all my heart and soul! And while some are certainly better friends than others, they all have their place and their reason for being my friend.
And they don't need an invitation!

Which in hindsight just makes the whole facebook issue seem, well...like high school! And I am sooooo over high school!


P.S. For those of you I have actively sought out on facebook...there are a few of you...rest assured it's because I was genuinely interested.

Frustration...need sleep

So, ok. My perfect mate is not always perfect. And although I appreciate him more than many could ever imagine, there are times that I just don't get him. Or perhaps, he doesn't get me.

We spent a long hour or so earlier this evening discussing the importance of sleep hygiene.

You see, I don't sleep...at least not well. I haven't for the better part of a decade give or take a few months here or there. But, it's something that I, that we have been working on. Trying to improve our habits and surrounding environment to help get better sleep. On the rare occasion it happens, everyone is the better for it.

Perhaps, I should backtrack a bit...
I went to a seminar today regarding the various risk factors that attribute to ill health and chronic disease. One of the topics we discussed was the need for proper sleep hygiene.

For example:

• going to bed at the same time every night
• sleeping with the lights out
• going to bed warm
  
• but keeping the temperature moderately cool
• getting treatment for snoring or apnea
• Etc...
  

One of the problems that recurs in our relationship is that he is always hot, even when it's 20 degrees outside. And, well, I'm nearly like the hot chocolate ladies from the SNL skit. I am cold almost all the time. In the dead heat of summer I will get into my car and just sit there to warm up, enjoying the heat as it moves in waves over my body.

Alas, I digress. So we have this discussion about some very interesting yet important pieces of sleep hygiene. Yes, I know "sleep hygiene" is a strange phrase. Around 9:30pm I am freezing! Mind you, I am in bed with 4 sets of covers and an electric blanket on high. (I take my temp for kicks: 97.5 Fahrenheit.) So, I'm heading toward hypothermia for no reason at all. He's on the other side, no covers, sweating! We were watching a movie by the way.

Upon the finish of the film, I am finally warm. Eyelids heavy, I start drifting off. Usually he's long asleep before I. So, I ask if he could possibly take care of the night's chores...feed the pets, turn out the lights. No biggie, right?

He looks right at me and rolls over. I think, "WTF?"

Nearly every night since August I have done the night's chores. You think he can possibly do it one time this month. I know and he knows as well, if I get up at this point I will be UP! It will turn into yet another of my sleepless or minimal sleep nights. Come morning, I will be tired, b*tchy! And because of these events...pissed!

I decide to wait it out, thinking perhaps he just needs to work up the motivation. I ask again. No response, but he's still awake. Still toasty warm, I roll over and fall asleep. Great, good, right?!

Um...NO!

I can't sleep long with lights on, so 35 minutes later I am awake and the lights are on and the cat is waiting to go to her room. Yes, we put our cat to bed too. Freaks that we are or I am.

I get up. Do the chores. Begin shivering again!

As I am walking in to go back up to try and sleep, my darling, dearest saunters down the stairs to relieve himself.

Honey: "I love you, but F*%k You!"

I just don't get it. Almost an hour has passed since my request. I could still be sleeping to the benefit of us both. And he decides to get out of bed AFTER I finish doing the chores.

So I am awake and blogging.

Thinking aloud

So, I'm sitting here with a million things running through my boggled mind. And not sure where to start pouring them out.

Things I learned this week:

I have an old friend I recently reconnected with through facebook that has been through hell. I mean HELL! He's my age, recently divorced and has battled Hodgkin's lymphoma all the while.
I think good for him for being so upbeat and optimistic. And I think selfishly, glad it's not me.

I learned Biochem...especially Lineweaver-Burke graphs, Hgb, Mgb, and enzyme kinetics can be basically understood in under 4 days.

I was reminded that some people may have clothes on their backs and a place to sleep, but they still may need toilet paper.

I was reminded that spell checker doesn't always catch my misstakes.

And I was reminded that there are people out there who believe in me, even if I think there belief is somewhat misplaced.

I started the PA blog a while ago. But haven' revisited yet. Too much and yet not enough has happened. CMU is still pulling my chain. But, I doubt I'll get in because they constantly say..."I just don't know how..." to me. Still, the rejection letter hasn't come.

I'm remembering why Schmucky Schmuckerson still makes me soooo angry! I think we've all had people in our lives that we expect a little something from and well....when they disappear for almost 2 years and then try to use you as a go between to someone else. Well, it's a bit annoying.
Plus, you see all the other people who've been let down by them too.

I remember why I love my real friends. Those troopers like buoys in the sea that help guide and shape you when the seas are calm or stormy. They give you a lifeline in the harshest of weather and just help you ride the waves.

I am reminded to be careful what you wish for...because you just might get more than what you're expecting. Especially, when you're expecting. (Love you CC.)

I am reminded that I am with my partner for many reasons, but mostly because he is a reminder to me everyday that God exists.

I am reminded that miracles can be anomalies and anomalies miracles.

Did you see the Lali the 2-faced baby? Check out the Sun article. It must be photoshopped, right?

Anyway...things are strange everywhere.
Life is good and bad.

And I have a lot in my head to get out.

Write you soon!

Until then...