Fear and truth, part I

I've been dealing with a fairly immense personal realization lately. And the nature of this realization makes it difficult to both express in words and speech. It is by its nature in the context of current social mores a that "that shall not be named" sort of epiphany. There exists a strong, nearly undeniable urge of my own to go running through the streets exclaiming this newly discovered part of myself. Yet, I am prevented from doing so by the lack of understanding of others and the fear and fallout that could follow.

It is not without hesitation that I have been for some time sort of playing into this information, this new identity. You could say I've been experimenting in certain circles with it. Not being open, but being rather loose. I choose those moments and said circles carefully however. It is no good to play with fire if you know you'll be burned. I am not a masochist.

Other realms are a different story. There are people close to me that I cannot imagine their responses to be positive. They wouldn't comprehend it. Or they would be too quick to see anything but the potential disadvantages. And be overcome with fear and confusion themselves.

So the question remains, "What do I do?"

I feel this nagging to "come clean" in a matter of speaking. To release my truth.
I feel incomplete and extraordinarily dishonest because of it. Still I am full of apprehension and paranoia that once unleashed I will be alone. A disappointment. An outcast.

My secret identity puts me into a group that is often overlooked, ignored, or just plain denied by many others, even those who too are often marginalized. And while they make progress, I have no one to identify with. No one to speak to about what is in my head and what I feel.

I have the unfortunate experience of not knowing anyone like myself; or at least the naivete of not being aware of anyone else like myself. I know they are out there...but where and how do I find them?

Even writing this now, I am overwhelmed with trepidation. And I know full well I haven't expressed my secret. I think, "but we have come so far. But not nearly far enough." "And what if they think me selfish?" Is it selfish to want to be who you really are? Perhaps!

All the arguments play out in my head.